Archive for the ‘Dolla Bills Yo’ Category

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Local non-profits go for-profit

May 30, 2008

Originally misreported by The Eureka Reporter.

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By George W. Mussolini, The Free-Market Fascist

EUREKA – Realizing the futility of running an organization through begging and pleading for cash, several local non-profits decide to take a different approach.

This approach, so revolutionary, so incredibly amazing, may just blow the minds of you, the reader. These organizations are going to be FOR-PROFIT.

Yes, by charging ridiculous amounts of money for services and effectively stepping on the poor, organizations like the Clarke Museum and Senior Resource Center will never have to worry about that bloody red accounting book again.

“It’s about time,” said Pam Service, the museum’s director. “I’m sick of scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I mean we have a world-renown exhibit here, we could be making millions!”

Since the senior community is the fastest-growing demographic in Eureka, Senior Resource Center Executive Director Joyce Hayes sees dollar bills and gold chains in the future.

“I can see profits increasing year after year,” she said, “with all these old people who need to dial for rides and need their butts wiped.”

Eureka City Manager David Tyson praised the decision, and wiped sweat from this forehead.

“I’m glad they saw the light,” he said. “That’s one more Eureka Police officer we can hire and more of a chance for another lethal force controversy.”

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Supes get raises, homeless get shaft

May 29, 2008

Originally misreported in the The Eureka Reporter and Times-Standard.

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By George W. Mussolini, The Free-Market Fascist

EUREKA – Proud to the tradition of kings and queens, the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors voted to give themselves more money for their hard work serving the homeland at its regular meeting Tuesday.

Voting unanimously, they gave themselves a $50,000 bonus as a way to help stimulate an economy asleep at the wheel.

“We work hard for the money,” said First District Supervisor Jimmy Smith, “so hard for the honey.”

And they do.

Any job that requires listening to public input deserves $50,000 and some, especially when there are these types of communists in the midst.

“This is an appalling use of public funds,” barked some hippie-looking guy. “No one is going to re-elect any of you.”

Speaking of elections, newly appointed Johanna Rodoni announced her intention to take the Second District seat if her late husband, Roger Rodoni, wins the election, as his name is on the ballot.

“If the people vote for Roger,” she said, “they certainly are voting for me.”

This kind of cronyism excites yours truly.

Back to the meeting, where the supervisors had the challenging task of finding something in the budget to slash as a result of their salary bonus.

On the agenda there was an item about giving $25,000 to some communist organization that encouraged free-loaders.

The supervisors wisely voted down the measure, and instead voted to allow the Director of Mental Health to committ people without going through the necessary checks and balances – the red tape.

The measure, according to public records, intends to fill beds in the county’s crazy house to enhance revenue.

Analysists project that hundreds-of-thousands will be made annually though this program due to all the crazies and homeless plaguing the streets.

Some homeless advocate, who calls himself Dat, cried that the oppression of the state can no longer be tolerated.

“We are people too!” he cried. “You fascists will get what’s coming.”

Shortly after his comment, Phil Crandall, director of mental health, committed Dat through the newly voted expedited process.