Archive for the ‘eureka’ Category


Local non-profits go for-profit

May 30, 2008

Originally misreported by The Eureka Reporter.


By George W. Mussolini, The Free-Market Fascist

EUREKA – Realizing the futility of running an organization through begging and pleading for cash, several local non-profits decide to take a different approach.

This approach, so revolutionary, so incredibly amazing, may just blow the minds of you, the reader. These organizations are going to be FOR-PROFIT.

Yes, by charging ridiculous amounts of money for services and effectively stepping on the poor, organizations like the Clarke Museum and Senior Resource Center will never have to worry about that bloody red accounting book again.

“It’s about time,” said Pam Service, the museum’s director. “I’m sick of scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I mean we have a world-renown exhibit here, we could be making millions!”

Since the senior community is the fastest-growing demographic in Eureka, Senior Resource Center Executive Director Joyce Hayes sees dollar bills and gold chains in the future.

“I can see profits increasing year after year,” she said, “with all these old people who need to dial for rides and need their butts wiped.”

Eureka City Manager David Tyson praised the decision, and wiped sweat from this forehead.

“I’m glad they saw the light,” he said. “That’s one more Eureka Police officer we can hire and more of a chance for another lethal force controversy.”