Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

h1

Supes get raises, homeless get shaft

May 29, 2008

Originally misreported in the The Eureka Reporter and Times-Standard.

——————————————————————————–

By George W. Mussolini, The Free-Market Fascist

EUREKA – Proud to the tradition of kings and queens, the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors voted to give themselves more money for their hard work serving the homeland at its regular meeting Tuesday.

Voting unanimously, they gave themselves a $50,000 bonus as a way to help stimulate an economy asleep at the wheel.

“We work hard for the money,” said First District Supervisor Jimmy Smith, “so hard for the honey.”

And they do.

Any job that requires listening to public input deserves $50,000 and some, especially when there are these types of communists in the midst.

“This is an appalling use of public funds,” barked some hippie-looking guy. “No one is going to re-elect any of you.”

Speaking of elections, newly appointed Johanna Rodoni announced her intention to take the Second District seat if her late husband, Roger Rodoni, wins the election, as his name is on the ballot.

“If the people vote for Roger,” she said, “they certainly are voting for me.”

This kind of cronyism excites yours truly.

Back to the meeting, where the supervisors had the challenging task of finding something in the budget to slash as a result of their salary bonus.

On the agenda there was an item about giving $25,000 to some communist organization that encouraged free-loaders.

The supervisors wisely voted down the measure, and instead voted to allow the Director of Mental Health to committ people without going through the necessary checks and balances – the red tape.

The measure, according to public records, intends to fill beds in the county’s crazy house to enhance revenue.

Analysists project that hundreds-of-thousands will be made annually though this program due to all the crazies and homeless plaguing the streets.

Some homeless advocate, who calls himself Dat, cried that the oppression of the state can no longer be tolerated.

“We are people too!” he cried. “You fascists will get what’s coming.”

Shortly after his comment, Phil Crandall, director of mental health, committed Dat through the newly voted expedited process.

Advertisements
h1

Caveman ravages trailer park

May 28, 2008

Originally misreported by the Times-Standard and The Eureka Reporter.

————————————————————————————-

Artist rendition of caveman that ravaged a Trinidad trailer park Tuesday.

Redwood Ridiculer Staff Report

TRINIDAD – A giant club-wielding caveman menaced a local trailer park Tuesday after taking large doses of meth. Law enforcement officials have yet to apprehend the rampaging caveman.

The Humboldt County Sheriff’s Office responded to a call early Tuesday morning from trailer folk at a park in Trinidad that heard strange grunting noises accompanied by crashing sounds.

When deputies arrived to the scene, they found multiple large indents along the outside of the trailer.

“It looked like someone used the trailer as a punching bag,” said HCSO Public Information Officer Stan Carlton. “Only I don’t think fists can punch holes the size of what we saw.”

Witnesses at the scene described a horrific picture – a caveman with a large club.

“He was higher than shit!” said Bilbo McMackin. “Came in here swingin’ his club here and there, yelling like a mad man. Nearly shat my pants.”

The rampage lasted only minutes as the caveman feld the scene when deputies approached, but a few unfortunate residents felt the fury from the doper.

Sara Linestocker, whose trailer got devastated by the caveman, tried to fight him with a kitchen knife, but failed miserably.

“I tried to stab him,” she said, “but his skin was so thick it broke the knife.”

Brian Gamble, a friend of Linestocker, tried to intervene when the caveman first charged the trailer, but got more than he bargain.

“He smashed me in the chest with his club,” Game said in a horse voice from his bed at St. Joseph Hospital. “Broke five of my ribs that bastard.”

Deputies could find no connection between the caveman and the trailer devastated. A thorough search of the surrounding area turned up piles of small baggies with trace amounts of meth near the trailer park.

The HCSO cautions residents in Trinidad to be guard.

“We believe the caveman poses a grave risk to public safety,” Carlton said. “Feel free to shoot that guy on sight.”