Posts Tagged ‘redwood’

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Caveman ravages trailer park

May 28, 2008

Originally misreported by the Times-Standard and The Eureka Reporter.

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Artist rendition of caveman that ravaged a Trinidad trailer park Tuesday.

Redwood Ridiculer Staff Report

TRINIDAD – A giant club-wielding caveman menaced a local trailer park Tuesday after taking large doses of meth. Law enforcement officials have yet to apprehend the rampaging caveman.

The Humboldt County Sheriff’s Office responded to a call early Tuesday morning from trailer folk at a park in Trinidad that heard strange grunting noises accompanied by crashing sounds.

When deputies arrived to the scene, they found multiple large indents along the outside of the trailer.

“It looked like someone used the trailer as a punching bag,” said HCSO Public Information Officer Stan Carlton. “Only I don’t think fists can punch holes the size of what we saw.”

Witnesses at the scene described a horrific picture – a caveman with a large club.

“He was higher than shit!” said Bilbo McMackin. “Came in here swingin’ his club here and there, yelling like a mad man. Nearly shat my pants.”

The rampage lasted only minutes as the caveman feld the scene when deputies approached, but a few unfortunate residents felt the fury from the doper.

Sara Linestocker, whose trailer got devastated by the caveman, tried to fight him with a kitchen knife, but failed miserably.

“I tried to stab him,” she said, “but his skin was so thick it broke the knife.”

Brian Gamble, a friend of Linestocker, tried to intervene when the caveman first charged the trailer, but got more than he bargain.

“He smashed me in the chest with his club,” Game said in a horse voice from his bed at St. Joseph Hospital. “Broke five of my ribs that bastard.”

Deputies could find no connection between the caveman and the trailer devastated. A thorough search of the surrounding area turned up piles of small baggies with trace amounts of meth near the trailer park.

The HCSO cautions residents in Trinidad to be guard.

“We believe the caveman poses a grave risk to public safety,” Carlton said. “Feel free to shoot that guy on sight.”

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