Dead Guy Bop

June 1, 2008

By the Redwood Ridiculer Chief-of-Staff

Advertisements printed and broadcast by various media outlets of late urge voters who want Johanna Rodoni on the Board of Supervisors to vote for her late husband Roger.

We hope we’re not the only ones that are somewhat concerned about the usurping of the election process here in Humboldt at the hands of the Republican Party.

These advertisements essentially tell voters not to vote, but to instead voice their support for the Governator to hand-pick a supervisor to our Board. It seems voters are willing to go with it, still digesting the shock of Roger’s death and the subsequent power vacuum.

Johanna, and whoever else is involved with this campaign, are using Roger’s death as a way to advance their own political interests. Even if the rules say this is a legal course of conduct, is it right for the democratic process?

We have two other candidates in that district willing and able to engage their community, and to be elected into office. If Johanna wants to run, she should do a write-in campaign, but she shouldn’t exploit her husband’s death as a way to leverage herself into political power.

And what’s even sadder is that one of the local newspapers fell for this trap and endorsed this attempt at circumventing the democratic process…need we say which newspaper.

So let’s see what happens on Tuesday. If Roger is elected, let us hope his ghost doesn’t come in the form of a supervisor merely there to perpetuate the agenda of the Governator and not the interests of the Second District, because there is a chance that Johanna won’t even be appointed.

That’s what happens when the democratic process if circumvented.


Local non-profits go for-profit

May 30, 2008

Originally misreported by The Eureka Reporter.


By George W. Mussolini, The Free-Market Fascist

EUREKA – Realizing the futility of running an organization through begging and pleading for cash, several local non-profits decide to take a different approach.

This approach, so revolutionary, so incredibly amazing, may just blow the minds of you, the reader. These organizations are going to be FOR-PROFIT.

Yes, by charging ridiculous amounts of money for services and effectively stepping on the poor, organizations like the Clarke Museum and Senior Resource Center will never have to worry about that bloody red accounting book again.

“It’s about time,” said Pam Service, the museum’s director. “I’m sick of scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I mean we have a world-renown exhibit here, we could be making millions!”

Since the senior community is the fastest-growing demographic in Eureka, Senior Resource Center Executive Director Joyce Hayes sees dollar bills and gold chains in the future.

“I can see profits increasing year after year,” she said, “with all these old people who need to dial for rides and need their butts wiped.”

Eureka City Manager David Tyson praised the decision, and wiped sweat from this forehead.

“I’m glad they saw the light,” he said. “That’s one more Eureka Police officer we can hire and more of a chance for another lethal force controversy.”


The Psychedelic Newspaper Strikes Again!

May 29, 2008

By Harmony Flow, The Stung-out Hippie

So, like, it came to my attention after writing that psychedelic piece that this isn’t the first mass fry in Arcata man.

Acid-laced North Coast Journal newspapers made its way into the hands of unsuspecting Arcatans last year, only that one caught people off guard with that woman blowing bubbles.

You know, to tell you the truth I can’t remember much about what happened last summer, except that at one point I woke up naked in the woods with ink all over my hands, face and tongue.

Here’s to another tripped out summer man…


Journal cover trips out community

May 29, 2008

By Harmony Flow, The Strung-out Hippie

ARCATA – Whoa dude, it’s like the Summer of Love all over again down here at the Arcata Plaza.

Looking at the lines of spun-out, naked Arcatans spread across the green grass makes me wonder what got into the water.

Then I saw it – people licking newspapers  with multi-colored ink covering their mouths.  All over the town, stacks worth of bright, psychedelic-colored newspapers covered the streets, the cars and took to the wind.

When I grabbed one, I was like, “Whoa man, that’s not ink I just felt on the cover.”

No, it’s something far more beautiful, something completely mind expanding and euphoric. A free trip through the North Coast Journal to any corner of the Earth, in any spiritual form you want.

After coming down from the intense ride that took me from the scores of wide-eyed, trippin folk at the Plaza to the forest of Redwood trees piercing the sky like spears, I decided to get to the bottom of this.

I called up Hank Simms, editor of the Journal, to get answers.

“You know man,” he said slowly, “I didn’t intend to trip everyone out with the cover, literally, but hey, no one’s complaining yet. We’ll see what happens after everyone comes down.”

The Journal prints at the same press as The Eureka Reporter.

Michael Jameson, printmaster at the press in Samoa, admitted that a laced mistake happened.

“You know, just when you think you’re filling up the yellow ink with actual ink, BAM! You’re on the floor dazed in a sweet dream dancing in strawberry fields.”

There were reports from The Eureka Reporter of acid-related incidents. Most notable dude was the editorial written in today’s issue supporting the formation of communes as a way to better feed and house the less fortunate.

Talk about a trip man.


Supes get raises, homeless get shaft

May 29, 2008

Originally misreported in the The Eureka Reporter and Times-Standard.


By George W. Mussolini, The Free-Market Fascist

EUREKA – Proud to the tradition of kings and queens, the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors voted to give themselves more money for their hard work serving the homeland at its regular meeting Tuesday.

Voting unanimously, they gave themselves a $50,000 bonus as a way to help stimulate an economy asleep at the wheel.

“We work hard for the money,” said First District Supervisor Jimmy Smith, “so hard for the honey.”

And they do.

Any job that requires listening to public input deserves $50,000 and some, especially when there are these types of communists in the midst.

“This is an appalling use of public funds,” barked some hippie-looking guy. “No one is going to re-elect any of you.”

Speaking of elections, newly appointed Johanna Rodoni announced her intention to take the Second District seat if her late husband, Roger Rodoni, wins the election, as his name is on the ballot.

“If the people vote for Roger,” she said, “they certainly are voting for me.”

This kind of cronyism excites yours truly.

Back to the meeting, where the supervisors had the challenging task of finding something in the budget to slash as a result of their salary bonus.

On the agenda there was an item about giving $25,000 to some communist organization that encouraged free-loaders.

The supervisors wisely voted down the measure, and instead voted to allow the Director of Mental Health to committ people without going through the necessary checks and balances – the red tape.

The measure, according to public records, intends to fill beds in the county’s crazy house to enhance revenue.

Analysists project that hundreds-of-thousands will be made annually though this program due to all the crazies and homeless plaguing the streets.

Some homeless advocate, who calls himself Dat, cried that the oppression of the state can no longer be tolerated.

“We are people too!” he cried. “You fascists will get what’s coming.”

Shortly after his comment, Phil Crandall, director of mental health, committed Dat through the newly voted expedited process.


Caveman ravages trailer park

May 28, 2008

Originally misreported by the Times-Standard and The Eureka Reporter.


Artist rendition of caveman that ravaged a Trinidad trailer park Tuesday.

Redwood Ridiculer Staff Report

TRINIDAD – A giant club-wielding caveman menaced a local trailer park Tuesday after taking large doses of meth. Law enforcement officials have yet to apprehend the rampaging caveman.

The Humboldt County Sheriff’s Office responded to a call early Tuesday morning from trailer folk at a park in Trinidad that heard strange grunting noises accompanied by crashing sounds.

When deputies arrived to the scene, they found multiple large indents along the outside of the trailer.

“It looked like someone used the trailer as a punching bag,” said HCSO Public Information Officer Stan Carlton. “Only I don’t think fists can punch holes the size of what we saw.”

Witnesses at the scene described a horrific picture – a caveman with a large club.

“He was higher than shit!” said Bilbo McMackin. “Came in here swingin’ his club here and there, yelling like a mad man. Nearly shat my pants.”

The rampage lasted only minutes as the caveman feld the scene when deputies approached, but a few unfortunate residents felt the fury from the doper.

Sara Linestocker, whose trailer got devastated by the caveman, tried to fight him with a kitchen knife, but failed miserably.

“I tried to stab him,” she said, “but his skin was so thick it broke the knife.”

Brian Gamble, a friend of Linestocker, tried to intervene when the caveman first charged the trailer, but got more than he bargain.

“He smashed me in the chest with his club,” Game said in a horse voice from his bed at St. Joseph Hospital. “Broke five of my ribs that bastard.”

Deputies could find no connection between the caveman and the trailer devastated. A thorough search of the surrounding area turned up piles of small baggies with trace amounts of meth near the trailer park.

The HCSO cautions residents in Trinidad to be guard.

“We believe the caveman poses a grave risk to public safety,” Carlton said. “Feel free to shoot that guy on sight.”


The Low Down

May 28, 2008

Ravenous, righteous right-wingers wretching comment boards with rabid words. Limp, ludicrous leftists levying for liberation. Powerful poisonous people playing with plenty of polished currency fighting for rights to the land. And so on.

Did that make sense? Well get used to it cause that’s the kind of writing you can expect to see here at the most prestigious publication to ever grace the all-ready over-saturated media landscape in Humboldt County – The Redwood Ridiculer.

Why debate the finer points of politics and policy when you can flat out make fun of it? Why ruin the careers of others when you can just point out how stupid they are? Why do anything when you can instead do nothing?

Here, you’ll get a different perspective on the news the media bombards us poor souls with on a daily basis. Here, you won’t get news. Here you’ll get unnews – information so outrageously biased and twisted that to think it’s truth should be an indication of your insanity, yet strangely, it will seem to hold some position of accuracy.